November 23, 2014

The Complicated Love Story Between Love, Tantrums And My Husband…

I have always been a very sensitive person. I over think every little thing and care way more than I should, but that’s what makes my love so strong. Tiniest things can either spark love or anger in me. Over time, people have named me an emotional fool while others have seen me as an egoistic brat. I don’t mind either of them!

Now, the point is, I don’t consider myself mean. I am just a human-being who reacts! Be it a situation or a statement. Yes, I do get angry and bitter at times but I would never consider myself a mean species ever! I have this huge tendency of taking out my frustration/ breakdown on people I love or who are close to me the most. And by luck or the wrong stars, my husband tops this chart. I love him the most on this earth and always take his love for granted knowing that he would stand beside me in all the goods and odds. There had been multiple instances when I have taken my office frustrations, emotional breakdown and other stress on him. I would have snapped, criticized, thrown tantrums or nagged on him for the smallest things which he would have no clue could be noticed and been fought about.

Often, back in my head when I know that he could have had a bad day too and doesn’t deserve the burden of my anger at all, I can’t stop myself from doing this actually! I would hesitate, stop, try to control my anger but in vain… I have felt guilty about this most of the times and have cried in the dark hours of the night. I have realized that often when I am shouting at him, I am actually not angry. And even when I would have been angry, it goes off after just the initial 3-4 words. And then I keep on just to complete my sentence! This generally happens about the daily chores or general tasks. I get angry and throw tantrums when he comes back late from office and immediately after dinner starts working back again. I feel lonely, unloved and left out in those wee hours. Anger or frustration which I would have stopped myself from showing to a colleague, considering the “being politically correct and maintaining the professionalism” somehow always lands on the poor husband.

Do I feel ashamed and want to change? Yes, yes and yes. I love him the most and wouldn’t want to lose him for my silliness. The best thing about my husband is, even after all this his love graph for me has never gone down. Instead he has always kissed me and said “I love you” and hugged me every single morning with the rising sun and every night under the shining moonlight. He cooks for me without complaining most of the days and even in the wee hours of the night when I get hunger cramps. He holds my hand, stands beside me at parties and other social gatherings and put his arms around me. He rarely shows irritation, and rarely criticizes me. He is kind, witty, thoughtful, brilliant, loving, creative, funny, intelligent, hardworking, and well informed on a wide range of subjects. He has even fed me numerous times with his own hands while I would be running around like a mad rabbit getting ready to go to office in the mornings. He consider me beautiful even when I look horrible and messed up!

Well, I have tried hard to resist showing my frustration and keep myself calm and composed but it is high time I start trying harder! And start respecting the love and great happiness I have got in having him in my life. Happy marriages are the ones where you have the freedom of speech, expression and love. Dear husband, within you I loose myself and without you I find myself wanting to be lost again. I promise that I will be honest about my frustrations and compress it by taking a second to breathe and make myself be gracious for compliments more. I will try to release expectations and enjoy things for what they are instead of what I think they should be.