Motherhood

The gift of each other

Motherhood Challenges, gift for each other, gift, motherhood, love, challenges, life, joy, happiness, heart, heartbreaking, sadness, teachings, love, Gulmohar Doodles, Puneeta Prakash blogBalakrishnan K

It was a warm, cosy, golden evening. The thousand golden beams of the sun was making our dusky skin glow in its presence. In that trance, soaking myself in that magical moment, I heard a faint voice of my mom saying – “How nice it is to see your small little kid playing in front of you. Soon they grow up, become independent and then leave. It is very heartbreaking to see them grow and then go. If only I could keep all three of you here. As my tiny kids you all once were. Giggling, dancing, hopping around and needing me all the time. Those were good old days. I miss them.” My heart stopped for a moment, I looked straight in her old wrinkly eyes and knew exactly what she meant. After all, I have become a mother myself now. I hugged my mom and thought, indeed we are a gift to each other. No doubt, the love and bonding between a mother and her kids are so divine yet so serene, so difficult yet so easy, so complex yet so simple, so giving yet so receiving.

A good old twenty-four months back, I didn’t imagine writing this post. All I wanted, imagined, hoped and prayed in that insanity was that the day comes as fast as possible where my little one gets more independent and I get some time of my own. I thought then, my life would be easier and I would be hopping around in joy.

Motherhood Challenges, gift for each other, gift, motherhood, love, challenges, life, joy, happiness, heart, heartbreaking, sadness, teachings, love, Gulmohar Doodles, Puneeta Prakash blogBalakrishnan K

Gosh, I was wrong! I was so wrong! As the days have passed since my little bundle of joy took birth, I have realized that how much I have gotten attached to her and her presence around me 24/7. Her nonstop needs has kept me on my toes most of the days. I cannot fathom when the insanity, the tiredness and the continuous need of someone, became my life, my identity. My heart breaks into a million pieces in all those tiny moments, in which my tiny girl becomes a bit more independent and in the process doesn’t need me anymore. I have felt a lump in my throat, a sudden heaviness in my heart and I tremble thinking that – “Is this it? When did my girl become so big? When did my tiny tot become a big self efficient girl? Was it suppose to end so soon? I mean, yes I wanted it, but wait, is it already time? It cannot be. Please!”

As much as I have felt happier with her every step of independence, somewhere my heart knows that soon she would become fully independent and I might not be needed any more. Might be yes, at times, in certain situations/ circumstances, but not as it is right now! I cannot understand the sadness behind my this feeling. Why did my heart swell up seeing my daughter’s first steps, picking her own spoon, walking and running on her own, climbing and jumping without assistance and going to her school without the usual crying? Every time my heart has twitched a bit more. I remember crying for hours thinking of her “big achievements”.

Motherhood Challenges, gift for each other, gift, motherhood, love, challenges, life, joy, happiness, heart, heartbreaking, sadness, teachings, love, Gulmohar Doodles, Puneeta Prakash blogBalakrishnan K

God! How I sobbed like a petty girl, on the first day of her school not having her around hopping and messing around with our plates, spoon and cups when me and my husband sat for our breakfast. I couldn’t eat anything and all I could think of was her. I swear, I had hated all those days when she would spill the tea, or drop the food fumbling while trying to lift it with the spoon. How I wanted to eat peacefully once in my life. But no, there I sat on my chair on that day, and all I thought and wished was her presence. How I wished to see the spilled tea and the dirty floor and that innocent smirky laugh!

Isn’t it how it is suppose to be? My little girl is growing and is happy. Wasn’t this what I prayed for once? Then why does it hurt so much? The first time she refused to hold my fingers while taking her big steps on her own, refusing my help with a big smile on her face climbing on the bed, holding the spoon firmly between her fingers while trying to eat herself, opening the water bottle and drinking water on her own, getting ready for school without any reluctance, trying to hold her school bag on her own shoulders and then putting the blanket on mamma and herself while they both cosy up together! How fast the days went by. Sigh! Is this what it means when people say – “Enjoy it while it lasts?” Is this what motherhood really is? Trying to hold the moment in your fist as long as possible even while you want it to go? Just try to hold on to that moment, that small happiness, that tiny need, that feeling a bit more longer. And in those moments know that you wouldn’t be needed any more. The constant war between your heart and your brain of holding on and not letting go? Isn’t that heart wrenching? It certainly is!

Motherhood Challenges, gift for each other, gift, motherhood, love, challenges, life, joy, happiness, heart, heartbreaking, sadness, teachings, love, Gulmohar Doodles, Puneeta Prakash blogBalakrishnan K

I have no idea how our moms have let us, their tiny babies, the apple of their eyes let them go away far from them. I am sure their hearts would have ached each time they would have seen us being independent or getting a bit more away from them. Or might be loneliness has taken a toll on us? Maybe we women overthink. And as a consequence, we die a thousand deaths every minute in different ways. Our hearts flutter even with the slightest wind of anxiety. We cry, wipe our tears, swallow our pride, our ego and think – “I will sail through this too. The ones we love the most should be set free. They would either find happiness on their own or return back to us.”

One thing is for sure. Motherhood has taught me that we woman bear a lot. What might seem stupid to a normal man could be a storm inside us. We enjoy and soak ourselves in each and every emotion. We let ourselves go. Get immersed in the sea of the insanity called motherhood and stay in that without breathing. And as soon as we start getting comfortable and start liking that feeling of being in that state, we need to come out of it bit by bit. We don’t know how to feel, good or bad? That’s what motherhood does to you.

Motherhood Challenges, gift for each other, gift, motherhood, love, challenges, life, joy, happiness, heart, heartbreaking, sadness, teachings, love, Gulmohar Doodles, Puneeta Prakash blogBalakrishnan K

I have celebrated my daughter’s every tiny achievement. My eyes have beamed with happiness, pride and sadness at the same time. I am a bit more liberated now. I am becoming independent in the process of making my child independent. But, do I really want this phase to end? Since when the thought of life getting a bit more easier has gotten my heart break a bit more? I guess that’s what motherhood brings and teaches you 🙁 ❤️

A big shout-out to all the moms out there. Love and hugs. Remember, you are not alone.

Here I find myself, holding you again my love, love, motherhood, baby, daughter, sleepless nights, tiredness, motherBalakrishnan K

Here I find myself, holding you again my love…
singing songs, tucking you in the bed for the fourteenth time,
My eyes are drooping with the sleep I couldn’t have since some nights now,
my head pains and my back aches and I struggle to stand wondering how!

You make a disapproving sound and wave your beautiful curly hair,
oh my little love… I love the way you say “ummm” to care
You refuse to let go of me, clinging to my sweaty chest,
those tiny fingers trying to hold her tiny nest

The day is coming to an end and here I am thinking in pain,
Did I love you enough today or failed at it miserably again?
I go over the details, the highs and the lows,
and I wonder if you were made to wear the love bow?

I get lonely, frustrated and insecure sometimes,
I overthink and then get sad and don’t know why?
There are times when I go mad and say things…
Forgive me my angel for I am a new mom and I do try…

The laundry has to be washed, the over-piled kitchen sink needs to be clean
my dirty hair cries for a rinse and the messy house teases me not to be mean
But here I am holding you again my love,
looking at your tiny hand which is feather light
resting on my face like a star shining bright…

Long gone are the days when I took a happy shower,
admired myself in the mirror, dressed well and smelled like a flower
I am tired beyond all measures, but no,
I will hold you once again and rock you slowly back and forth
rest your head on my chest my love as you fall asleep in my arms

Let me hold you tight my dove before a new day begin,
this day which I’ll never get to have with you again…
Goodnight my princess, the apple of my eye…
for I know these days will be soon gone bye
before I know it will be time to bid goodbye…

– The new Mamaa
(Gulmohar Doodles)

Motherhood is a dream, Motherhood, Dream, Amazing, Joy
Motherhood is a dream, Motherhood, Dream, Amazing, JoyPhoto courtesy: Balakrishnan K

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” and so in you the child your mother lives on and through your family continues to live… so at this time look after yourself and your family as you would your mother for through you all she will truly never die.” ~ Osho

— Motherhood is a Dream

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